Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
