so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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