Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
