im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
