mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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