So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
