He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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