you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
