I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
