my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Randomize