My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize