I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
