Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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