I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
