u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
