I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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