so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize