You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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