I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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