I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
