I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
