im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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