i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
