Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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