Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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