wrigley field is MILF paradise
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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