My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
