arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
if only i could text you this smell
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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