who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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