also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
