theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
