I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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