she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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