Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
