Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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