guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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