I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
