my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize