my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
