Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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