This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Holy shit dude........stairs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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