what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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