You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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