He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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