i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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