she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
