I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
