I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
