If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
