my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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