she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You need a sexual gate keeper
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
