I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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