happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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