When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
