We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
