My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need water and some morals
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
