I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
