we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I AM VODKA MAN
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
