Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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