My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
